A Beautiful Farewell

Well, for obvious reasons I haven't blogged in forever. I have a lot of catching up to do, but will start with the most important; Mike's funeral. Please excuse any grammatical errors as I will be crying through this whole post. The waterworks have already begun. A special THANKS to Suzie who took these, and many other, beautiful shots for me. xoxo
Mike's funeral was on Friday, May 22nd. Next to the day I got the call about Mike (May 10th), it was the worst day of my life! It started with the viewing at 9am. I don't want to talk about that. The service was held at our old Stake Center at 10. It was heart-wrenching, but beautiful. My AMAZING Dad gave the eulogy which was perfect. He described Mike to a t! He made us laugh, he made us cry and he made us proud! Much like Mike's whole life. My Dad has strength that floors me. There was a special music played which was beautiful, and then Scott spoke. He did such an amazing job! He also payed perfect tribute to Mikey. I know how hard it was for him to speak, but he executed it perfectly. I was very proud. Then President Nunnally spoke on The Plan of Salvation. He couldn't have put it any clearer. It was beautiful! I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Mike was there that day. I felt his presence so strongly. It was soooo comforting. I know that it hurt him to see us all so sad. I could feel it. After the service we headed to Olive Lawn Cemetery where he was buried. (along-side my Grandpa, Grandma, Uncle and cousin)
Here is a shot of the start of the funeral-procession. My parents are behind the Hurst.
Here are the guys carrying the casket. The pall-bearers were: Danny, Justin (Mike's best friend), Uncle Mark, Robert, Scott and Dad.

The Military did the MOST BEAUTIFUL salute to Mike. Here they are doing the 20-gun salute.

They then folded the flag. It was so respectful and beautiful.

Here they are presenting the flag to my Mom and Dad. The sadness on my parents face says it all. My heart breaks knowing the pain they feel from losing their son. I can only imagine.

Here is Danny comforting Sarah. Such a sweet picture! Danny dedicated the grave and did a great job. My heart broke for him having to do that.

The Military left me in awe of their respect. I can't even begin to explain the compassion and honor they have shown my family through this horrible trial. They are INCREDIBLE! I will spend the rest of my life honoring them and showing it in any way possible.

Here are some of Mike's friends paying their respects. A beautiful shot! Lisa's face in the background says it all. :(

Here is something I thought I'd never do (and shouldn't have had to); kissing my brothers coffin.

Here is Scott paying his final respects to a brother-in-law he LOVED so dearly.

Just a random shot. My face says it all.

The day couldn't have been more of a beautiful tribute to Mike. I could talk about it forever. Laying Mike to rest was the most excruciating thing I've ever had to do. I pray that time will quickly heal our families hearts. We are all struggling. This experience has taught me that my heart is divided. My husband, kids, grandparents, parents, SIBLINGS and best friend all make up parts of my hearts. When Mike left this life, he most definitely took that section of my heart with him. It can never be replaced. I love my siblings, Lisa, Danny and Sarah, and PRAY that I will never have to go through this again. Losing Mike was enough to last a lifetime! He will always be a part of who I am and I feel privileged to have called him my brother. He will always be my brother. Death has not changed that.

Happy Birthday To You!!!!

Today my stud-monkey-of-a-husband is 32! Happy Birthday, Scott! I hope your day is WONDERFUL!!!!! I LOOOOOOOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I had to go pick up some pictures I had printed. On my way there I swear I saw Mike. Twice! The first was a soldier in a car next to me. The second was a construction worker. I broke down and lost it. They looked just like him. I couldn't keep the radio on. Every song reminded me of him. I couldn't stand going outside my house. Camp Williams is located on the other side of the hill right behind us. Yesterday they were doing their artillery training and the guns were firing constantly. I usually love hearing them practice, but knowing my brother did artillery training just makes me miss him. Every single thing reminds me of Mike. Even things that make no sense.
I'm finding that this will be no fast recovery. I accept now that my heart is not going to heal overnight. Unfortunately. Everyone gives me their advice on what I should think and I appreciate it, but it seems kind of unrealistic right now.
My family and I have strong reason to believe now that Mike didn't mean to kill himself. It just didn't make sense. We think that he was just trying to hurt himself enough to get a medical leave from the Army. He wasn't ready to go back to Kentucky. (I don't want to go into the evidence and reason to support these claims.) Unfortunately, "hurt" wasn't meant to be. I can only imagine what went through his mind at that point. It kills me! No matter what happened, or why, my brother is gone. I will never hug him again. I will never see his smile. I will never hear him laugh. I will never answer another phone call or get another text. In THIS life, anyway. It will most likely be another 50+ years until I pass. Although I WANT to live, that's a long time to not see your brother. Most people will never have to experience the pain I'm feeling. They are LUCKY!!!
While picking up my pictures, the young girl said to me, "Are you getting married? With all the pictures of the same guy I assume....". I told her no and that they were of my brother who just died. She said, "Oh! I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel though. When I was 4 my 2 year old brother died. I never really knew him.". WHAT? Are you kidding me? I just told her I was sorry for her loss and went on my way. I wanted to punch her in the face though! (Horrible, I know) I wanted to say, "Well, I knew my brother. I am 28 and he was 26. We talked just recently. He was happy and hopeful. He told me how much he loved me and felt a special bond with me. It was beautiful! So please just shut your mouth and in the future try not to relate to someone you can't relate to!". Horrible, I know. I can't help it though. I guess this will be life for a while. Unfortunately.
I have had more peace and strength these past couple days. I KNOW where my brother is and where he's going. I know he's with loved one's. I KNOW that God knew his heart and desires. I am CONFIDENT this was an accidental suicide. All of these things make me feel a little better. I know Mike wouldn't want us wallowing anyway. It's all just one step and day at a time. Unfortunately.

I am definitely not one to put my emotions out there for people to know. It makes me feel vulnerable. However, I need to vent and I haven't found the strength to talk to people yet. It's no new news that my sweet brother, Mike, took his own life on Sunday night. Why? We'll never know. Anyone that remotely knew Mike knew that he had struggles within his own head that kept him from making logical decisions. His whole life he battled demons in his head.
Mike didn't always make great decisions. He pissed a lot of people off and broke a lot of hearts along the way. This being the biggest! Despite his bad decisions, Mike was a GREAT guy with a HUGE heart! He always went out of his way to help people in need and he would be the first to give the very shirt off his own back. Mike, in a lot of ways, was a great example to me. Sometimes the lessons I learned from him were what NOT to do in a situation (lol), but lessons none the less.
My heart is broken. I feel like a piece of me is missing. It is. We were cut from the same cloth. More so, my heart breaks for my parents. They were great parents who raised Mike good and did nothing wrong. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of losing my child in such a horrible way. My heart also breaks for my adorable nephew, Corey, who will grow up without his daddy. Being only 2, it kills me to know that he won't ever understand what a wonderful guy his dad truly was and how much he loved that little boy. I can only pray his mom shares the good instead of bad.
In times like these, it truly tests your faith and rocks you to the core. I've dealt with death. My close friend was killed in a car accident. Two years later I lost another friend the same way. Within the last 6 years I have lost a uncle and 3 of my grandparents. Death and tragedy are nothing new to me. However, this is in a class of it's own. My heart has never hurt so bad. I've never been so confused and depressed. The worse part is coping with the fact that someone I loved DEEPLY felt so sad and alone that he didn't feel worthy of living. How do you get to that place? How can you feel that dark and sad? Why didn't he feel like he could turn to us? Any of us? Is there something we could have said or done? Did we do something wrong? I just have so many questions racing through my mind 24/7.
I have been raised strong in the church my whole life. I have believed and never questioned what happens when we die. Where we go. I don't understand this though. I've heard so many conflicting opinions about suicides. It scares me. I have been so emotional these past couple days that I'm not thinking clearly.
All's I know is that this tragic situation has taught me a couple valuable lessons. First, just love your loved ones! No matter what decisions they make, good or bad, LOVE THEM! They need to know you support them and that you will be there for them no matter what. Second, draw close to the ones you love and let them know how much you love them. You can't take people for granted because they can be erased from your life the very next minute.
I am fortunate to have known and loved Mike. My life is better because of his memory. I am honored to call him my brother. I am truly thankful for the opportunity I had to speak with him just a week ago. It was a great conversation and we expressed our love for each other. That's the last thing I can hang on to right now. That conversation has been playing in my head over and over, and I'm thankful for that.
I am thankful for our Lord and the Plan of Salvation. I know that through Him, families can be reunited once again and be together forever. My strong faith in my religion is the only thing pulling me through this difficult time. I am thankful to everyone who has shared their sympathy and kindness with our family. It helps. I know that my brother is in a better place and that his spirit is finally free. I know that if I live my life righteously, I will be with him someday. What joy that will be!

Michael Jeffrey Mc Neally Griffin 3-1-83 to 5-10-09

God saw you getting tired. A cure was not to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered, "Son, come with me." With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you fade away. Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A loving heart stopped beating, your tender hands at rest. God took you home to prove to us He only takes the best.

With a heavy heart I say goodbye to my beloved little brother, Mikey. The ONLY comfort I find is knowing I will see him again one day.

Two reasons why I LOVE Mother's Day...

MY MAMA IS G-R-E-A-T!!! SERIOUSLY. SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL PERSON, INSIDE AND OUT, THAT I RESPECT AND ADMIRE ENTIRELY. THROUGHOUT MY WHOLE LIFE SHE HAS BEEN BY MY SIDE TO TEACH ME AND PUSH ME TO BE THE BEST PERSON I COULD BE. I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART AND MISS LIVING CLOSE TO HER! here she is 9 months pregnant with me... here she is right after she birthed me...

here she is protecting me from an obvious creep when i was a toddler (lol)...

here we are together at my wedding...

and now!!!! she is my BEST FRIEND!!!!! i soooooo love her! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MAMA!!!

The other reason I love this day is because I have the honor of calling these beautiful girls MINE!!!

I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father and Scott for giving me the opportunity to be a mommy. It has been the greatest calling and blessing of my life and today I am humbled.

I hope everyone had a beautiful day because you all deserve it!!!