I am definitely not one to put my emotions out there for people to know. It makes me feel vulnerable. However, I need to vent and I haven't found the strength to talk to people yet. It's no new news that my sweet brother, Mike, took his own life on Sunday night. Why? We'll never know. Anyone that remotely knew Mike knew that he had struggles within his own head that kept him from making logical decisions. His whole life he battled demons in his head.
Mike didn't always make great decisions. He pissed a lot of people off and broke a lot of hearts along the way. This being the biggest! Despite his bad decisions, Mike was a GREAT guy with a HUGE heart! He always went out of his way to help people in need and he would be the first to give the very shirt off his own back. Mike, in a lot of ways, was a great example to me. Sometimes the lessons I learned from him were what NOT to do in a situation (lol), but lessons none the less.
My heart is broken. I feel like a piece of me is missing. It is. We were cut from the same cloth. More so, my heart breaks for my parents. They were great parents who raised Mike good and did nothing wrong. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of losing my child in such a horrible way. My heart also breaks for my adorable nephew, Corey, who will grow up without his daddy. Being only 2, it kills me to know that he won't ever understand what a wonderful guy his dad truly was and how much he loved that little boy. I can only pray his mom shares the good instead of bad.
In times like these, it truly tests your faith and rocks you to the core. I've dealt with death. My close friend was killed in a car accident. Two years later I lost another friend the same way. Within the last 6 years I have lost a uncle and 3 of my grandparents. Death and tragedy are nothing new to me. However, this is in a class of it's own. My heart has never hurt so bad. I've never been so confused and depressed. The worse part is coping with the fact that someone I loved DEEPLY felt so sad and alone that he didn't feel worthy of living. How do you get to that place? How can you feel that dark and sad? Why didn't he feel like he could turn to us? Any of us? Is there something we could have said or done? Did we do something wrong? I just have so many questions racing through my mind 24/7.
I have been raised strong in the church my whole life. I have believed and never questioned what happens when we die. Where we go. I don't understand this though. I've heard so many conflicting opinions about suicides. It scares me. I have been so emotional these past couple days that I'm not thinking clearly.
All's I know is that this tragic situation has taught me a couple valuable lessons. First, just love your loved ones! No matter what decisions they make, good or bad, LOVE THEM! They need to know you support them and that you will be there for them no matter what. Second, draw close to the ones you love and let them know how much you love them. You can't take people for granted because they can be erased from your life the very next minute.
I am fortunate to have known and loved Mike. My life is better because of his memory. I am honored to call him my brother. I am truly thankful for the opportunity I had to speak with him just a week ago. It was a great conversation and we expressed our love for each other. That's the last thing I can hang on to right now. That conversation has been playing in my head over and over, and I'm thankful for that.
I am thankful for our Lord and the Plan of Salvation. I know that through Him, families can be reunited once again and be together forever. My strong faith in my religion is the only thing pulling me through this difficult time. I am thankful to everyone who has shared their sympathy and kindness with our family. It helps. I know that my brother is in a better place and that his spirit is finally free. I know that if I live my life righteously, I will be with him someday. What joy that will be!