Dear Diary,

Yesterday I had to go pick up some pictures I had printed. On my way there I swear I saw Mike. Twice! The first was a soldier in a car next to me. The second was a construction worker. I broke down and lost it. They looked just like him. I couldn't keep the radio on. Every song reminded me of him. I couldn't stand going outside my house. Camp Williams is located on the other side of the hill right behind us. Yesterday they were doing their artillery training and the guns were firing constantly. I usually love hearing them practice, but knowing my brother did artillery training just makes me miss him. Every single thing reminds me of Mike. Even things that make no sense.
I'm finding that this will be no fast recovery. I accept now that my heart is not going to heal overnight. Unfortunately. Everyone gives me their advice on what I should think and I appreciate it, but it seems kind of unrealistic right now.
My family and I have strong reason to believe now that Mike didn't mean to kill himself. It just didn't make sense. We think that he was just trying to hurt himself enough to get a medical leave from the Army. He wasn't ready to go back to Kentucky. (I don't want to go into the evidence and reason to support these claims.) Unfortunately, "hurt" wasn't meant to be. I can only imagine what went through his mind at that point. It kills me! No matter what happened, or why, my brother is gone. I will never hug him again. I will never see his smile. I will never hear him laugh. I will never answer another phone call or get another text. In THIS life, anyway. It will most likely be another 50+ years until I pass. Although I WANT to live, that's a long time to not see your brother. Most people will never have to experience the pain I'm feeling. They are LUCKY!!!
While picking up my pictures, the young girl said to me, "Are you getting married? With all the pictures of the same guy I assume....". I told her no and that they were of my brother who just died. She said, "Oh! I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel though. When I was 4 my 2 year old brother died. I never really knew him.". WHAT? Are you kidding me? I just told her I was sorry for her loss and went on my way. I wanted to punch her in the face though! (Horrible, I know) I wanted to say, "Well, I knew my brother. I am 28 and he was 26. We talked just recently. He was happy and hopeful. He told me how much he loved me and felt a special bond with me. It was beautiful! So please just shut your mouth and in the future try not to relate to someone you can't relate to!". Horrible, I know. I can't help it though. I guess this will be life for a while. Unfortunately.
I have had more peace and strength these past couple days. I KNOW where my brother is and where he's going. I know he's with loved one's. I KNOW that God knew his heart and desires. I am CONFIDENT this was an accidental suicide. All of these things make me feel a little better. I know Mike wouldn't want us wallowing anyway. It's all just one step and day at a time. Unfortunately.